Joke Thread

Brigh · 4563

Brigh

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on: November 30, 2006, 05:22:51 pm
Thought I would start a joke thread to keep us all amused - so post any jokes you get in here. (and I don't mean post a picture of saxif!!) :P

My mate Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriend's sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking, Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny; in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year!

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love
Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Brigh :D

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Brigh

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Reply #1 on: November 30, 2006, 05:24:08 pm
Things to do in the elevator ? most are certifiable though!
 
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
 
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
 
3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
 
4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
 
5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
 
6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"
 
7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
 
8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
 
9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
 
10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
 
11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
 
12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"
 
13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
 
14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
 
15.Swat at flies that don't exist.
 
16.Tell people that you can see their aura.
 
17.Call out, "Group Hug!? and then enforce it.
 
18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
 
19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
 
20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
 
21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.
 
22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
 
23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
 
24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
 
25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
 
26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Brigh :D

Kilgour LVL 80 Gnome Rogue WOW
Kilgour LVL 70 BE Warlock WOW
Brigheiss LVL 70 Orc Warrior WOW
Brigh BR23 CR2 NC Planetside Gemini
Brigh BR26 CR3 TR Planetside Werner


Brigh

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Reply #2 on: November 30, 2006, 05:24:47 pm
This is my fav joke of them all!!!

Sorry its long but it is worth it.

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


BUMP........





BUMP........







BUMP........






Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the
driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
his road.





BUMP........









BUMP........










BUMP.......




He froze to the spot, he couldn> '> t believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
more clearly....It was a coffin.


Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
started walking briskly home.






BUMP........








BUMP........











BUMP.......















He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........












BUMP.......BUMP......












BUMP.......BUMP..











BUMP........BUMP......










The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog,
but he heard the coffin speed up after him......



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...













BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...














BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...









He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......











BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..BUMP.












BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....











BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.











Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin
was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled
out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off
the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it
continued its chase.....






BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
door........










BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...












BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...












BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...









The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing
and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the
young terrified lad.








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...










In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came .......






BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......











BUMP...SCREECH..BUMP.SCREECH...














He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......








BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........















The coffin stopped.

Kilgour LVL 80 Gnome Rogue WOW
Kilgour LVL 70 BE Warlock WOW
Brigheiss LVL 70 Orc Warrior WOW
Brigh BR23 CR2 NC Planetside Gemini
Brigh BR26 CR3 TR Planetside Werner


Brigh

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Reply #3 on: November 30, 2006, 05:25:23 pm
Last one for today... promise

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (You MUST read them out loud)

1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............................. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? .............. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table .......... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ......... Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ....................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Brigh :D

Kilgour LVL 80 Gnome Rogue WOW
Kilgour LVL 70 BE Warlock WOW
Brigheiss LVL 70 Orc Warrior WOW
Brigh BR23 CR2 NC Planetside Gemini
Brigh BR26 CR3 TR Planetside Werner


Saxif

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Reply #4 on: November 30, 2006, 08:46:16 pm
The first two were excerlent proper LOL material, had the 2nd two go round work before on e-mails.  Tomorrow first thing though I'll be doing some copy and pasting of those first two :)

Good effort Brigh, dunno if I wanna put down any of my jokes though, they were fucking funny :)

Sax.

<Currently thinking of something amazing to write ...>


Brigh

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Reply #5 on: December 01, 2006, 12:16:07 pm
In Honour of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn
upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought?)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because?)


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Kilgour LVL 80 Gnome Rogue WOW
Kilgour LVL 70 BE Warlock WOW
Brigheiss LVL 70 Orc Warrior WOW
Brigh BR23 CR2 NC Planetside Gemini
Brigh BR26 CR3 TR Planetside Werner


Saxif

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Reply #6 on: December 21, 2006, 08:22:57 pm
A woman splits up with her lover so she decides to go buy herself a new dildo, she heads to the local dildo shop and finds they are advertising the new 'Magic Dildo'.

'Magic Dildo' she thinks, I'd like one of those :)  She buys herself a Magic Dildo and heads home to try it out with a big smile all over her face  ;)

Once home she reads the instructions, they tell her that all she has to do is say "Magic Dildo go ***"

So she gets comfy and says "Magic Dildo, pussy"  The Magic Dildo fly's into her pussy and starts fucking her!!  After a good fucking she says "Magic Dildo stop"  But it doesn't and nothing she can do will get it out.  A little worried she heads to the doctors and tells him about her problem with the Magic Dildo thats still fuckng her pussy ...

The Doctors looks at her skeptically and says "pffft ... Magic Dildo my arse!!"

 :eek:

<Currently thinking of something amazing to write ...>